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Forgiveness can sometimes feel impossible or even undesirable. Other times, we forgive only to be hurt again and conclude that forgiving was foolish. Both situations arise from confusion about what forgiveness really means. Forgiveness doesn’t require that we forget or condone another’s actions ... Views: 125
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"
The narcissist’s False Self is grandiose. The narcissist seeks to maintain his inflated fantasy of himself. He denies, slices and splits off, and “evacuates” or projects onto others emotions, cognitions (thoughts), traits, ... Views: 98
Emptiness is a common feeling, and there are distinct types of emptiness, but it’s psychological emptiness that underlies codependency and addiction. Whereas existential emptiness is concerned with your relationship to life, psychological emptiness deals with your relationship to yourself. It’s ... Views: 167
Breakups can be severely painful. Love stimulates such powerful and pleasurable neuro-chemicals that rejection can feel like withdrawal from a drug. It can compel us to engage in obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior, even in animals. Rejection and breakups are especially hard for ... Views: 140
Sons of narcissistic fathers are driven by lack of confidence. Raised by a self-centered, competitive, arrogant father, they feel like they can never measure up or be enough to garner their father’s approval. Their father may be absent or critical and controlling. He may belittle and shame his ... Views: 130
Whenever a loved one dies it is important to have certain things planned and executed properly. In those grieving moments you need to pay attention to various things that require urgent attention for planning the funeral. Funerals are one of the most ignored aspect when it comes to pre arranging ... Views: 101
You can make significant strides in overcoming codependency by developing new attitudes, skills, and behavior. But deeper recovery may involve healing trauma, usually that began in childhood. Trauma can be emotional, physical, or environmental, and can range from experiencing a fire to emotional ... Views: 247
“The greatest pain is not being loved for who you are in your naturalness.”
As you read this article I encourage you not to exclude yourself from having addictive patterns, you can become addicted to anything from the most overt to the most subtle. This includes things like social media, cell ... Views: 257
Narcissists don’t really love themselves. Actually, they’re driven by shame. It’s the idealized image of themselves, which they convince themselves they embody, that they admire. But deep down, narcissists feel the gap between the façade they show the world and their shame-based self. They work ... Views: 411
Since writing Codependency for Dummies, countless people contact me about their unhappiness and difficulties in dealing with a difficult loved one, frequently a narcissistic partner or parent who is uncooperative, selfish, cold, and often abusive. Partners of narcissists feel torn between their ... Views: 296
For people who depend on any type of private or company insurance to cover the cost of their health needs, the question of whether or not the health insurance policy covers mental health problems is a crucial one for a number of reasons.
The idea of a split between physical health and mental ... Views: 290
Research has well-established the link between good self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. Self-esteem not only affects how we think about ourselves, but also how much love we’re able to receive and how we treat others, especially in intimate relationships.
A person’s initial level of ... Views: 544
Because our nervous system is wired to need others, rejection is painful. Romantic rejection especially hurts. Feeling lonely and missing connection share the evolutionary purpose of survival and reproduction. Ideally, loneliness should encourage you reach out to others and maintain your ... Views: 501
Many parents of troubled teens assign 100-percent of the blame for their teen’s troubles to their teenager. They also think shipping them off to a therapeutic boarding school is all they need to do to fix their teen’s behavior. Unfortunately, the task of parenting a troubled teen is not so ... Views: 355
Many people, especially codependents, are haunted by inner loneliness. Twenty percent (60 million) of Americans report that loneliness is the source of their suffering. In fact, our emotional reaction to rejection emanates from the area of our brain (the dorsal anterior cingulated) that also ... Views: 504
Dysthymia or chronic depression is a common symptom of codependency; however, many codependents aren’t aware that they’re depressed. Because the symptoms are mild, most people with chronic depression wait ten years before seeking treatment.Dysthymia doesn’t usually impair daily functioning, but ... Views: 471
At the time, I couldn't believe it would happen to me. We raised a family, we fought, then made-up, and made plans for our future - together. We didn't always have good times, but I honestly believed we would work through all our problems. We didn't have much money, nor did we go on exotic ... Views: 353
We all experience guilt from time to time. But many of us have a hard time letting go of it and find it difficult to forgive ourselves, even though we may readily forgive others. First of all, it's important to recognize whether our guilt is true or false. Just because we feel guilty, that ... Views: 344
Is Codependency a Problem in Your Life and in Your Relationships?
Take the Quiz
To find out if codependency is a problem in your life, please answer yes or no to the following twenty questions:
Do you put others’ feelings, desires and needs before your own?
Are you drawn to ... Views: 480
Anxiety is apprehension of experiencing fear in the future. The danger feared isn’t imminent and may not even be known or realistic. In contrast, fear is an emotional and physical reaction to a present, known threat. Anxiety is typically characterized by obsessive worry and an inability to ... Views: 479
We all experience guilt from time to time. But many of us have a hard time letting go of it and find it difficult to forgive ourselves, even though we may readily forgive others. First of all, it's important to recognize whether our guilt is true or false. Just because we feel guilty, that ... Views: 324
Has setting limits not worked? Despite your efforts, are your boundaries often ignored? It's frustrating, but it's not always the other person’s fault. Here's why and what to do.
There are several reasons why boundaries don’t work. As I wrote in Codependency for Dummies and How to Speak Your ... Views: 442
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"
All told, there are three ways to manipulate the narcissist:
(1) To withhold narcissistic supply from him until he comes, hat in hand, begging for more and then you can name your price and dictate terms;
(2) To ... Views: 435
It’s hard to admit, but…
You’ve been lying to yourself about your partner.
There’s an ever-widening gap between the person you want him to be and the person he really is.
You have an idea of what constitutes a healthy relationship, yet you forgive your partner when he commits serious ... Views: 350
Since co-dependent relationships are not healthy for you, why is it so hard to extricate yourself? Why is it so difficult to get out of a situation that is harmful to you? Well, we all hate change, even if that change may be for the better. And if you’ve been in a co-dependent relationship your ... Views: 548
One version of couples struggling that I come across are couples with partners that are codependent. These are the couples that are stuck in patterns that they can’t seem to break, they have a lot of fighting and drama or complete disconnect (conflict avoiding), they feel they are behind their ... Views: 503
Do you find that your interactions with your partner include some of the following?
Poor or no eye-contact
Giving of the back or talking to the back
Talking to the air
Not responding, acknowledging or answering questions
Shutting down, ignoring
... Views: 490
I find that we make poor choices at almost every turn and then wonder how come our relationship and life are not as we’d prefer them to be I find that we do not own our Self and our life, that we do not know who we are and what we are meant to do I find that we do not take the time to design our ... Views: 426
Usually we have good intentions and mean to invest in our relationship. Somehow this fizzles from the moment we have that thought or attitude to the next moment… We are very fickle in our thinking about the status and course of our relationship. One moment we are partners for life, the next we ... Views: 426
A key ingredient in a satisfying relationship is Understanding. When we don’t feel understood we are out of sinc with one another and our needs can’t be met.
Understanding validates our existence, is respectful and mindful. It is amazing that most people do not have this necessary ingredient ... Views: 402
When we are babies we learn to get our needs met by alerting our parents of a poopie diaper, hungry belly, or an ouchie with our crying. As adults, we continue to try to get our needs met with our �crying�. Our crying has become more sophisticated over time and now takes the form of criticism, ... Views: 409
How does this happen? Here we are loving a person and doing our best to show them we love, cherish and want to be with them to fail miserably at conveying that message. This is even worse when compounded by difficulties and lack or relationship skills partners bring to the table.
But, it ... Views: 423
Is lack of trust undermining your connection with your partner and wreaking havoc in your relationship? Lack of trust might extend to beliefs that your partner is cheating. Or it can be as simple as not trusting your partner to be there, follow through, keep their word, be accountable, get your ... Views: 462
Conventional belief is that we can never love too much, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, love can blind us so that we deny painful truths. We might believe broken promises and continue to excuse someone’s abuse or rejection. We may empathize with them but not enough with ourselves. If we ... Views: 424
It’s amazing how many partners know their partner loves them, but they still don’t feel loved… This is actually kind of an epidemic… Couples struggle because they get stuck in power struggles. They let their Ego get in the way. They approach their situation from a reactive and self-preservation ... Views: 450
I think romance is underrated… I hear couples express they want romance and to be romanced, but they state it with a sense of shame, wishful thinking and as an unattainable outcome. They off-handedly claim their wish in the same sentence that dismisses it with the practicality of everyday life. ... Views: 437
In my recent reading I have come across a piece of writing that has made me think of sexuality and physical intimacy from a different angle. I love when that happens! Give me material that sparks my creative juices and that I can integrate into my work for greater impact, and I’m a very happy ... Views: 407
Caring about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tosses you on a roller coaster ride from being loved and lauded to abandoned and bashed. Being a borderline (having BPD) is no picnic, either. You live in unbearable psychic pain most of the time on the border between reality and ... Views: 545
When shame becomes toxic, it can ruin our lives. Everyone experiences shame at one time another. It’s an emotion with physical symptoms like any other that comes and goes, but when it's severe, it can be extremely painful. Strong feelings of shame stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, ... Views: 515
There is more to us than meets the eyes… We have an internal world operating at all times that we are vaguely aware of. Some people are totally out of touch with theirs… The more we become acquainted with our own Self and all it’s aspects, needs and desires the more we can be our Authentic Self ... Views: 492
Ten Guidelines for Establishing Healthy Trust
“How do I know if someone is trustworthy?”
“How can I become trustworthy?”
“How can I ever trust again?”
Healthy trust is hard work. Betrayal, neglect, abuse, addiction and abandonment damage healthy trust but it’s never too late to learn how ... Views: 789
We are what we think. We create what we think.
What we resist persists. What we focus on expands.
We are super powerful creating creatures…
Our mind is a honing device for creating, a GPS for getting places… We create what we think whether intentionally or not.
Left to its own untrained ... Views: 407
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"
Some patients develop codependent behaviors and traits in the wake of a life crisis, especially if it involves an abandonment and resulting solitude (e.g. divorce, or an empty nest: when one’s children embark on their own, ... Views: 704
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Deserving - by Kasia Jarosinska (www.spiritualshifts.com)
One of the most difficult layers for us to resolve is the one related to self-love. What is self-love? It is the ability to view who you are with unconditional compassion and acceptance. I’ve mentioned this before, and it is worth mentioning this again: anytime we are trying to “fix” something ... Views: 478
Women of certain generations were brought up to please, aid, assist, and make life easier for everyone. They were trained to be the most excellent of handmaidens and helpmates. It was their raison d’être. They were not to stand out, stand above, or be noticed. They were to be the silent and ... Views: 488
I thought if I played by the rules and did everything the way THEY said I should like a good little Catholic girl, I’d feel safe. I’d grow up, get married and have lots of kids like my Mom and live happily ever after.
Why would I even think that since Mom wasn’t living happily ever ... Views: 581
The idea of detachment mesmerized me when I heard about it in Al-Anon. To let go of the ones you love seemed unloving and uncaring and certainly not Christian. But it also seemed to be the NIRVANA you could reach even while living with an alcoholic.
I detached from my alcoholic father by ... Views: 580
Could it be that all of our problems stem from not listening to God? If prayer is talking to God and intuition is God talking to us, maybe we need to listen more. When I was in the midst of my crazy life with alcoholics from my father to my husbands, I felt abandoned by God because I prayed and ... Views: 426
As I write this, I'm 690 miles from my office in Los Angeles. Actually, I'm in Park City, Utah enjoying a glass of Pinot and writing to you. I'm here on a family vacation getting some much needed rest and a modified digital detox.
One of the benefits I've experienced since leaving the office ... Views: 436
" Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." Steve Jobs
Someone recently asked me the definition of Codependency, so let's take a look at what we can see to help uncover this complicated phenomenon. The visual I have is someone who is suppose to be driving his own ... Views: 539