This subject was something that I really had trouble getting my head around, why would anyone revisit a point in their life where it spelt nothing but pain and suffering. Why the hell would I ? A place you would think that your own consciousness would crawl over hot coals to keep you from revisiting. When you consider that statement it’s easy to see my confusion. What we have to remember here is that it’s the action of a mind struggling in the realms of the reality. At that precise moment in time anywhere would be a preferred place than the one you are being made to face. Can we make sense of that? I’m not sure that it’s at all possible…. in my own situation sense had been missing for so long. What we are dealing with here is a splintered mind where things are baffling or suspicious. Our consciousness refers to the relationship between our mind and the world with which it interacts. We could say that Regression is a defensive reaction, where we retreat in order to deal with our situation at that point in time. Pain will always cause a reaction that’s the very nature of our defence mode. But unlike having a broken arm let’s say where you know when the pain will subside and the plaster will be removed. The mind of someone having ever suffered abuse in their childhood does not have that courtesy. If we were to just think about childhood as a whole, there is a picture book pop-up that should reveal happiness, protection, bewilderment at the world around us as we grow. In a perfect world this should be the memories of every child. In realty for some that image will only ever be in our imagination. We are unable to share stories of our childhood with others; we even hope that we will never be asked. If this occasion occurs we wander down the road of make believe, we invent a fitting fanciful story not wishing to be excluded from the happiness being discussed all around us.
Why? Good question and one that’s so very hard to answer, maybe we feel we are in danger and retreat looking for that arm to shelter under because we feel exposed and vulnerable. The mind playing tricks, eluding us into believing that was a time when we were loved and protected. The fact that shelter was never felt or given seems to escape us.
So is that why we revisit? Do we hope that by doing so we can change our past? I have personally witnessed this childhood regression outside of myself which was so very painful for me to watch, a chapter in the life of someone very dear to me. It was like watching a mirror image of me struggling to rid myself of the boogie man. I watched transfixed as the transformation occurred. I spent time talking to that child, in the real knowledge that the lady experiencing this episode would never remember that pocket of time. After so many years not dealing with our past it’s so very hard to face the truth. That our childhood was not the image the world has of the perfect family unit it was not even close. It was so very far removed. Yes I revisited my childhood as I know others do the all over the world with joy, but however often I revisited in reality I was stuck with the past that was mine.
Regression is not always experienced so far back sometimes we regress to a happy point in our lives whilst an adult, which is a very welcome rest bite from our present reality. It’s an escapism that is sorely needed just at that point in time. It can be happy memories of say the birth of our children our wedding day… you get the idea I am sure. So why is it that we still choose to at times regress so far back and enter that painful place? Simply said we have not dealt with the exorcism our past. We need to be able to do so to live in the here and now.
If you have ever read any other pieces written by me, you could be forgiven for thinking that old chestnut again….. But no matter which way up we look at it we always arrive back at the same point, acceptance of the path we have walked and forgiveness. Rightly forgive yourself for the part you feel you played; others can tell you that you played no part at all how could you? That you were only a child whom should never have been exposed in this way, but until you come to that place within yourself it’s a lonely road we walk. We need to forgive the atrocities we were exposed to for our own sake not our abusers. Forgiving is not forgetting. Yes our memories are painful but we still have the rest of our lives to create others, but only if we deal with our demons here and now. Release the past because your right to happiness is within your grasp just waiting to be embraced. We may never be able to infuse others honestly with our memories of a joyful childhood, but we can make great strides in moving forward. For myself I am lucky enough to have my Son and Grandson around me, with a further addition not too far away in a time where my past is defiantly behind me. I find joy in the smile from a little boy that is living the life all children should have as a rite of passage. We can’t change our memoires however hard we try, but we can create others in the most unexpected places that will blow the pain of your past away……………
Teresa Joyce was born on the 15th December 1958 the middle child of three. After losing her father at a very young age; this was to set the pattern for the rest of her life. Losing was something she would have to get used to. Today she still has some memory of her father, but in truth it’s all a little hazy. Her mother through no fault of her own after that loss had no other alternative, other than to return to her parent’s home with her children in tow. This family unit was to spend only a few years there, until the wind of change came around once more. Happy memories are something that Teresa holds in very short supply. Her mother was set to meet the man that was to become her stepfather, and they moved once more to a new city with the promise of a new life. Hopefully it would be a happy one for all concerned, but it became a place for Teresa that felt far more like a prison. One in which she would spend many years months days and hours hating. She swore to herself that she would leave all this behind at the first possible occasion.