***To Date A Beater or Not?

Any man who hits a woman is not a man who can be trained not to hit a woman; it is one of the lowest things a man can do. It cannot be undone, and it cannot be explained; he will not grow out of it or find someone whom he won’t abuse. His aggression speaks to his raw character and tells you all you need to know about him in one fell swoop.

Men don’t hit women because they loose control, make a mistake, or because they were provoked. It is a choice they make every time it happens; it is about maintaining dominance. It is about their insecurity. It is meant to show you where to stop with them, and it tells you that they can’t handle normal. When men choose to use violence against women, it is an absolute and specific type of directed anger, for he controls himself except for with her.

Abusive men don’t make themselves obvious, or we wouldn’t be with them. They show themselves as sweet, charming, kind, and compassionate. No women with any smarts would willingly date a man who tells her he has hit or harmed another women unless she believes she has a better grasp on the guy herself, thinking he will be different with her, as many do, and thinking they will be the one he changes for, the one he would never hit because they are special, different-and they are wrong.

When a woman leaves a man because of abuse, he will abuse the one who replaces her in due course. While she waits for that to happen, her life will become full of chaos and destruction, because these things go hand and hand with abusive men who have set patterns and emotional limitations. Abusive guys are disconnected from the impact their negative actions have on others; her difference will play no role. Men who abuse women have character flaws, personality disorders, or a destructive nature at there core, and they suck people in by pretending to be just the opposite.

Damaging guys can be high functioning, very successful men, but they will have an inability to connect on a normal emotional level, never mind a deep one, and as they do not need emotional connection at work, their issues will most likely arise in intimate relationships only. They are very capable of hiding their emotional underdevelopment but the truth is, their lives are very surface; they mimic emotions and respond with expected behaviors at the right time, or when they get caught not having a reaction where there should be one. They simply cannot connect on an emotional level in the same way other people do.

WORDS OF CAUTION
If you are dating a man who suggests that he has abused a woman before and you find yourself feeling sorry for him, and judging his victim, remember he will position it so you see things a certain way; put your compassion in the right place. Just close your eyes and imagine that he actually did attack a lady; think of what that would look like. Picture it happening, and him doing it. Now use that imagery to keep yourself honest about him. Remind yourself that along with his good stuff, comes this horrendous and despicable crime against women and humanity; the package cannot be separated.

Pay attention to the little voice telling you he is embarrassed, that it was out of character for him, or that he didn’t mean it-that is your excessive empathy and loyalty at work. Whether the abuse was against you or another woman is irrelevant; do not reason away a man’s abusive behavior because of his good qualities, or to fulfill your own desires. Be honest with yourself about who he is, and be honest with yourself about you-about why you want to pretend he is one way, when he is telling you otherwise.

Consider yourself lucky; it is usually not that easy to find out which guy hits women. They are hard to spot and usually don’t tell you their secret unless the possibility of you finding out is imminent, or the story can be used to their advantage-to get you more emotionally hooked on him by capturing your compassion and support, to gain your pity, or to test your tolerance about control and abuse. Give them the green light here and you are well on your way to devastation and bruises. When it comes to dating, abusive and explanatory men are categorically unacceptable candidates.